You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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