Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
