Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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