just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
