How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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