i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
