she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize