this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
