apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
