Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
