found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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