I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
