my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
