Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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