I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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