WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
