You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
