if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So many bounce houses so little time
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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