everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm passing your future prison.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
