At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
