Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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