i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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