i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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