Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
