he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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