can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All I want is dick and wine.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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