while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
