She is in my trunk
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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