She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
