Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
