I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am midnight drunk by noon
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
