i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
