hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
