my sisters under your porch take her home
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
