I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
