The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
