i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
