I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
