When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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