I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
