Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
