you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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