we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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