I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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