At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
