If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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