im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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