So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
