their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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