All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
