Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
