New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
