I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
