But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
