my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
