Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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