she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
