I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
